Thirty-Four:
The Minotaur's trail was fresh enough that evening for Spot to find and enter the maze. A steady downwind made the maze impossible to backtrack.
"Please," said the Minotaur. "Step forward."
"You have Mademoiselle Princess," said Spot. "Will you not release her?"
"You're in no position to ask me for anything," said the Minotaur. "In any event, she isn't my prisoner. I found her at a vulnerable moment, and simply put her someplace safe. She's been free to leave anytime. She'll only stay where she is as long as she believes leaving risks misfortune."
"You have been deceiving her?" said Spot. "Life is no game in which you play zee trump card, sacrifice another, and still call yourself a winner. In which zee bluffing is a virtue."
"While Ariadne is perfectly safe where she is, I've deceived no one," said the Minotaur. "I am no one's oppressor. I oblige others nothing, unlike the royalty you present yourselves as. As king, you are privileged to have your story heard in every household. As king, you are privileged to have your interests heard first in times of panic. As king, you are privileged to enjoy an increase in power with the spread of fear — even perversely for the sake of championing freedom. What lessons of right and wrong does one who trusts so little have to share with the rest of us? What labor serves truth and freedom more than to break the hold of a king?"
"I have not made it so," said Spot. "What have zee things you say to do with me?" Before the Minotaur could reply, a voice called into the depths of the maze.
"I hear talk. Hello?" It was Brian. "Hello, is anyone there?"
"...oh, sacre bleu," said Spot. "Monsieur le Brian, why did you not stay at zee castle instead of throwing away your life to follow me as you have now done?"
"I'm not throwing away my life. I'm accepting the Minotaur's challenge." Brian waited for the Minotaur's laughter to die down. "This afternoon at the castle, the first thing you said was that you challenge the King's champion. You came to challenge me."
"Well, yes, Human, I did," said the Minotaur. "I did it to goad Its Majesty into challenging me and allow me to control the terms of the duel."
"Well that doesn't change that you've challenged me," said Brian. "I accept."
"Very well, Human," said the Minotaur. "What weapons will we duel with? Axes, pistols, chainsaws—"
"I would like to pick the nature of our duel, as a privilege of accepting your challenge," said Brian. "Give us the crown and leave us to escape the maze."
"You can't ask that," said the Minotaur. "You have the privilege of picking weapons. Or to decline the duel. In which case I don't owe it to you to leave you the crown."
"Our weapons," said Brian, "will be our fidelity to reality."
"What delicious innovation to killing you do you refer?" said the Minotaur.
"Our fidelity to reality," said Brian. "We will measure our individual accounts of reality against what's observable. Whoever's account can be demonstrated more unfaithful to reality is the loser."
"By simply leaving you here," said the Minotaur. "Which I will do anyway. With the stakes your lives for the crown?"
"Yes," said Brian. "Since our lives are part of the stakes in this challenge, it's only fair you should lose the match if you kill us."
"If your deaths give me what I want, what's to stop me from simply killing you now?" said the Minotaur. "What if I don't care to win the duel?"
"Because, 'blah-blah-blah, power is not freedom,'" said Brian. "'Blah-blah-blah' — say, is this a labyrinth in which the unwary enter, only to be lost forever? Or doesn't this place have a news shop that serves fresh donuts and hot coffee?"
"Monsieur le Brian," said Spot. "Do not forget Mademoiselle Princess."
"And tell us where the Princess is," said Brian.
"Why should I do even one generous thing for you?" said the Minotaur.
"Because if you don't," said Brian, "after we win the duel, we will return to the maze and live with you forever."
"Enough, Human," said the Minotaur. "You'll die in the maze faster than you finish negotiating our duel. She's in the tower at the southern bay of the island. You are free to leave. Go." The Minotaur left Brian and Spot to the mercy of the labyrinth.
"Alas, Monsieur le Brian, we are doomed," said Spot. "Perhaps it is not too late to ask Monsieur le Minotaur to kill us rather than leave us to wander zee complex and endless maze."
"—no," said Brian. "Don't call back the Minotaur."
"Oh, and I suppose you have zee idea better than ending our lives," said Spot. "To spare us of zee unbearable wandering. How will we possibly find our way out of zee maze?"
"Mustard?" Brian had left a trail of mustard from the entrance of the maze. "Ew, ew, ew—"
"...ha ha," said Spot. "Monsieur le Brian still tastes like zee 300-year-old unbathed boy."