Eighteen:
The detour to their Meadowlands Stadium match gave Brian the opportunity to ask Mimbleshaw some questions.
"Talking animals hijacking broadcast stations," said Brian. "Coupon fairies kidnapping babies and turning their parents into zombie-slaves. Werewolves binging and purging on families. How can any of this be? Why invade our world now?"
"Human" said Mimbleshaw. "Rather than calling it an invasion, think of it more as a long-standing occupation you've only now learned exists. After all, the world can only be ruled in secret. Consider the taboo against talk of money. Who do you hear say talk of money is rude? People with money. Rich people. Because poor people have nothing to steal, they'll lie they have money before they think to hush talk of it. Refusing to speak of a privilege naturally becomes part of sheltering it. This is no less true for the actual rulers of the world. As your revered thinkers say, with great power goes great deniability."
"That's backward crazy-talk," said Brian. "Why do you get to pick the King of the World? Why do you get to pick — a dog — the King of the World?"
"By right of taxation," said Mimbleshaw. "Our organization sends coupon fairies to rifle through people's garbage all over the globe."
"Because you rummage through everyone's garbage," said Brian, "you decided to call it a tax and declare a king?
"Yes," said Mimbleshaw. "We invoke the motto of every king in the History of the World: 'I tax, therefore I govern.'"
"You talk like a barnacle taking credit for what the whale kicks up," said Brian. "And why a dog? Who benefits from making a dog King of the World?"
"Clownie has fled with the crown," said Mimbleshaw. "But he won't run from a creature he believes his every advantage entitles him to control. That's why we arranged for the radio show to select Spot to succeed Clownie. He is a coward who will flee from any other challenger."
"Your trap for the fugitive King of the World," said Brian, "is a teeny-tiny dog I can pick up with one hand?"
"Cowards and bullies naturally value crowns to validate their behavior," said Mimbleshaw. "But as only a symbol of accomplishment, crowns also attract dissent and cruelty. To keep a crown, a coward must take it into hiding. He must endure isolation. To silence his own doubts he's accomplishing anything, he nurtures in his isolation as much hatred as he can. Imagining Spot free disgusts Clownie. When his rage forces him to emerge from hiding, Clownie will be his most vulnerable."
"—ok," said Brian, "you've ruined my life. My parents? Taken by clowns. The Bannisters? Zombie-slaves. Their baby? Fairy-contraband. You could have ruined anyone's life. Why did you pick mine?"
"Human," said Mimbleshaw. "While Clownie's anger climbs, we needed one of the most natural things in the world. A child to care for a dog. Unfortunately, Its Majesty Spot chose to race you on the playground that day. If you weren't so irresponsible, the coupon fairies wouldn't have had to draft the Bannisters' help. We would have been completely finished with you by now."
"What do you mean?" said Brian. "That I caused all this trouble? That this is my fault? That I'm to blame?"
"Well, presented that way," said Mimbleshaw, "I supposed I don't disagree. Yes, you caused all this trouble. Yes, this is your fault. Yes, the blame is yours."