Thirteen:
Mr. Bannister answered his door. "Why yes, Brian. How can I help you?"
"...oh, Mr. Bannister, you have to help us," said Brian. "Clowns have taken my parents hostage..."
"Clowns, were they?" said Mr. Bannister. "That's terrible."
"...I know it sounds strange," said Brian. "That dog I found was a runaway circus dog... the clowns want him back..."
"Your parents were taken hostage over a dog?" said Mr. Bannister. "This sounds serious."
"...oh, I know it sounds silly," said Brian. "To say my parents have been kidnapped over a dog. But, you see, this dog talks..."
"Of course," said Mr. Bannister. "The most foul ruffians wouldn't hesitate to take hostages to recover a talking dog. Very dangerous business indeed. Why don't you stay for a slice of pie?"
"...even so," said Brian. "You must be wondering why I simply don't return the dog..."
"I can only imagine you have a perfectly reasonable explanation," said Mr. Bannister. "Doesn't a cookie sound like something good to take a break for?"
"...you see, I yelled at the dog for using my toothbrush," said Brian, "and he ran away..."
"Oh, you shouldn't blame yourself, young man," said Mr. Bannister. "Isn't it time you tried some homemade beer?"
"Pies? Cookies? Beer?" said Brian. "Mr. Bannister, you're like a happy Christmas Ghost. Are you teasing me?"
"Teasing you?" said Mr. Bannister. "I'm offering you a treat. Does your refusal have anything to do with that strange 'banana-boy' business you engage in? Perhaps you would prefer a banana split with some homemade ice cream."
"Pa?" said a voice from the Bannisters' baby-carriage. "Our special radio show is about start."
"He's right," said Mr. Bannister. "Our special radio show IS about start."
"He's right?" said Brian. "He who? Who he?"
"Why, my newborn infant son, of course," said Mr. Bannister.
"...babies can't talk." Brian approached the baby-carriage.
"Sho' we can." Up from the carriage sat a man. A miniature man with clear butterfly wings. "Why, howdy young feller — ahem — I mean boy much older than I... since I am the Bannisters' baby... and am newly born..."
"It's the li'l boy." The two little coupon fairies Brian met before revealed themselves.
"You've arrived in time to listen to our special radio show," said the other fairy. "You will have to wait until it finishes before you can enjoy some fairy food..."
"...yes," said Brian. "I think I understand what's happening. You are all insane. And because there are no such things as coupon fairies, that must mean I'm insane too..."
"Hush now, Brian," said Mr. Bannister. "We will attend to these troublesome clowns. But after our radio program. And maybe a nice snack."
"This is Sebastian Mimbleshaw," said the voice from the radio. "If you're our tenth caller, and you answer our trivia question, you become... the King of the World. Tenth caller, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?"
"Sebastian, it's me again, Susan," said the caller. "If I answer the question, am I still King of the World? Or can I become Queen?"
"I'm sorry, Susan," said the announcer. "Our opening is for King of the World only. If you don't want to be king, you can always make someone you like king. Then maybe he can make you queen or something. Are you ready to answer today's trivia question?"
"I'm ready," said Susan.
"Susan," said the announcer. "You become King of the World if you can describe to me the intestines of a canine animal."
"...oh gee, let me think," said Susan. "Gosh, I don't know."
"Sorry, Susan," said the announcer. "Maybe you can try again some other time. Next caller, this is Sebastian Mimbleshaw. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?"
"Monsieur le Mimpleslaw," said the next caller. "It is Spot."
"...it's Spot," said Brian. "He's calling the radio station." Everyone shushed Brian and returned their attention to the program.
"Spot," said the announcer. "You become King of the World, if you can describe to me the intestines of a canine animal."
"Oui, zee canine animals have zee smooth intestines for zee quick digestion," said Spot. "Zee preferred meal is zee smelly animal entrails."
"Congratulation, Your Majesty," said the announcer. "You're now... the King of the World."
"...eeeee," said Spot.
Brian tracked the kitchen phone to the pantry.
"You," said Brian. "This must be your fault. Fix the Bannister baby."
"Monsieur le Brian," said Spot. "I did not break zee Bannister baby."
"His Majesty Spot is right, young feller," said a bewhiskered fairy in Spot's company. "The theft of that Bannister baby weren't his fault. Some foolish human gave the baby's name to my daughters, Ellie and Lulu-Belle. Now they gone and traded away my nephew Waxy Dave for him."
"...whut?" said Brian.
"Why, even if that Mr. Bannister feller hadn't eaten the magical food of the coupon fairies," said the fairy, "there ain't nothing anyone can do to get that baby back. That's a rule. No fairy got to give back a baby when a human gives us the baby's name."
"That is zee shame," said Spot. "Zee soiled diapers of zee new baby, they are horrible. Monsieur le Brian, have you met Monsieur Sweaty Pete? He is what they call a coupon fairy. We must go."
"And where do you think you're going?" said Brian.
"To complete zee King of zee World crowning," said Spot. "I must follow zee radio contest instructions to wait at Monsieur le Brian's home."
"We'll go home alright," said Brian. "But not to make you any kind of king. When I bring you back, those clowns will let go of my parents. Then we'll figure out how to snap Mr. Bannister out of his spell, and bring back his baby. Then you can go back with those clowns to whatever circus you came from."
"I'm sorry you lost your parents there, young feller," said Sweaty Pete. "But we can't let you trade away our new king like that. We wouldn't be very good coupon fairies if we did." Sweaty Pete waved his wand. Brian's clothing flew off him.
"...I can't go outside in my underwear," said Brian. "People will think... why... they'll think..."
"They'll think what?" said Lulu-Belle. "They'll think maybe you have some kind of girlfriend or something?
"That yer in luuuv?" said Ellie.
"Or that yer some kind o' big baby?" said Waxy Dave. The fairies took Spot and Brian's clothes and promptly wheeled them away.