Eight:
The next day, Brian phoned the local newspaper.
"...hello, i'd like to place an ad for a found dog," he said. Spot entered the kitchen. "You. What do you want?"
"You are on zee phone," said Spot. "I will wait for you to finish zee call."
"...hello? hello?" said the operator. Brian disconnected the call.
"I haven't made my call," said Brian. "What do you want?"
"Zee dog food cans still require zee human can-openers," said Spot. "Zee tool is most inconvenient for dogs without zee opposable thumbs, no?" Brian served Spot's dish in front of the television. "Zee mustard, please."
"...hello, i'd like to place an ad for a found dog," said Brian back on the phone. "...yes ...found: delusional, talking circus dog. Calls himself 'king of the world.' Also responds to 'Spot—'" Spot again entered the kitchen. "Can I call you back?"
"...hello? hello?" said the operator. Brian disconnected the call.
"You," he said. "What now?"
"Come, come," said Spot. "Must Monsieur le Brian play zee ignoramus with my few, simple pleasures? It is time for zee bath."
"Time for your bath?" said Brian. "You had a bath yesterday. A bath once a week is plenty for a dog."
"Zee humans with no fur" said Spot. "They take zee bath everyday. But zee dogs with zee fur, they do not?"
"No," said Brian. "Not when the dog keeps splashing the human that bathes him."
"...sacre bleu — I cannot believe how you contaminate my sensitive canine ears." Spot left the kitchen.
"...hello, i'd like to place an ad for a found dog," said Brian. Before Brian finished his call, Spot intervened.
"—scoundrel," said Spot. "I hear zee evil things you say." The little dog's mouth was foaming. It was brushing its teeth with Brian's dinosaur toothbrush.
"...you're spraying toothpaste everywhere," said Brian. "Is that my toothbrush? Who said you could use my toothbrush?"
"Do not change zee subject to me," said Spot, "when we are clearly discussing you, Monsieur Backstabbing Traitor."
"—have you been using my toothbrush all the time you've been here?" said Brian.
"—you are so much more concerned for zee toothbrush than my well-being, then take it back," said Spot.
"—keep that toothbrush away from me," said Brian. "The places your mouth has been..."
"Oui, I have heard all I will stand to hear, Monsieur le Backstab," said Spot.
"Don't leave the house with your mouth foaming," said Brian. "You look like a mad dog."
"Le angry dog, indeed." The little dog dashed from the house.