Six:
Brian struggled to keep Spot's tail from poking out his beard.
"...I don't care what this end says," said Brian. "I'm not responding."
"Monsieur le Brian, we must infiltrate zee place you call 'supermarket,'" said Spot. "Zee dogs, we do not have zee sweat glands, and I am very hot in here."
"You insisted on shopping with me," said Brian.
"Considering zee mischief you may engage in — from you're many options to cater to me — distresses me to no end," said Spot.
"You're lucky I don't pick you up cat chow," said Brian. "Let's go."
"Zee cereal kibble?" said Spot.
"Add water and it makes its own gravy," said Brian. "What more do you want?"
"Monsieur le Brian," said Spot. "Zee intestines of zee human beings? They have zee nooks and crannies for zee long digestion. But zee intestines of zee canines? Zee preferred meal is zee smelly animal entrails. Especially with zee haunting odor of fermenting decomposition. Zee commercial dog food is processed to keep zee caregivers from when they feed zee dogs — how do you say it? — from zee belligerent vomiting... from zee violent upchucking... from zee hostile projectile-regurgitation... why, to prevent zee caregivers from losing their cuds..."
"...what'll keep you from treasure-hunting the neighborhood trash cans?" said Brian.
"Zee liver, zee kidneys, zee tripe." Spot sniffed the air and delivered them to the deli and meat departments. "Zee parts of zee body that do not move."
"Your tummy seems to be holding a party and forgot to invite you," said the cashier Brian took his armful of pungent dark and gray packaged meats to.
"It's... indigestion," said Brian.
"Well, I don't think all of these rich meats will help your indigestion any," she said.
"Well... I... have a special condition," said Brian. "My intestines are very smooth, like a dog's. I require rich foods that digest quickly. No fiber."
"Sounds like a tough life," she said. "Eating all that rich food. How would a girl keep her figure?"
"Please," said Brian. "I'm very sensitive about my condition."
"I'm sorry." The cashier bagged Brian's order. "$19.54, please."
"...that was a good year." Brian once witnessed his Aunt Kelly's husband make a cashier laugh with that line. Aunt Kelly's husband is handsome. Brian inspired no laughter.
"Feel better soon," she said. Brian put his sight on the exit, and freedom.
"Sir?" said the security guard. "Isn't that coat out of season?"
"—no," said Spot underneath Brian's beard. "...we — I mean, I... I steal nothing... either take us — which is to say me — into zee custody... or let us go... by which I mean me..."
"If you haven't done anything wrong, why disguise yourself?" The guard took from Brian his beard and dog.
"The dog insisted on coming along," said Brian. "He wanted to make sure I fed him what he wanted."
"Indeed," said the guard.
"He's a runaway circus dog," said Brian. "He knows how to talk."
"Bark bark bark," said Spot.
"What are you trying to pull?" said Brian.
"Bark bark bark," said Spot.
"I think you'd better come with me, young man," said the guard.
"Why silent now, Mr. 'I am zee King of zee World?'" said Brian.
"I hear nobody likes zee show off," said Spot.